When
Your Teen Wants Help- How You Can Help Them!
Good recovery is characterized by recognition of the drug problem and
a commitment to abstinence. The best vehicle is a twelve-step program,such
NA. These can be found in almost any community in the USA today. Remember
you can't get him or her sober. The shift in parental thinking has to
be to provide good parenting but let the child benefit from others'
successful recovery. You will see the change in your child as you change
and begin to develop via YOUR meetings and involvement in YOUR program
of recovery. As parents, we are committed to helping our chilren. When drugs are involved the rules change. We have to allow them to get
out of denial, a long process to accomplish fully, and then heal and
become redirected. The damage done by the drugs usually affected all
areas, mental, emotional, physical, family, relationships, legal, career,
and financial to some point. It may take quite a bit of time to see
this once the person is abstinent.
It will take time to get on a spiritual path and this is usually a path
that is the opposite of the former path - the drug path. Your child
will have a civil war going on with conflicting drives to both stay
clean and recover and also go back to using. Accompanying this are triggers,
cravings and peer pressure within a drug society. You may hope beyond
hope and not see the return to using because you desperately want to
see him or her be successful. Your attendance will keep you out of denial
and help you to cope with your pain. You and the family are up against
a unified force and must be equally unified. You can lead the way
but you can't force anyone to get clean and sober. Choose your battles.
Don't try to change every behavior all at once. Let the child get into
good enough recover and with motivated peers in recovery so that his
motivation will come back.
Choose about three behaviors - no drugs, curfew, and home chores. These are examples and also the ones I suggest. You have to tolerate
behaviors that are almost unacceptable and realize that your child will
make better decisions eventually if you model good sense, tolerance
and patience with him or her. School, cleanliness in his or her room
should be secondary to drug freedom. A good foundation is necessary
to continued recover. This involves a simple yet clear approach from
the parents. Enforce consequences, let them/encourage them to attend
recovery meetings - the most important being NA. You can tell if your
child is progressing when the family is attending their meetings and
the child can communicate with you, is drug free as seen from a urinalysis,
wants to attend NA, has recovering friends, has the recovery books (AA's
Big Book, NA's Text...) and reads the literature, attends recovery functions
and talks recovery. The old behaviors mean that he or she is probably
using - sneaking out, having a consistent sarcastic, angry attitude,
not caring, legal problems, lying... Realize that there is a three-year
period that must pass and that will let you know that the teen is on
the right path. This is enough time to turn things around and develop
the thinking and habits that will maximize the chances for continued
good recovery. It's not about abstinence only. Good actions and a positive
lifestyle characterize good recovery, being family and community oriented
and spiritually fit. This is also true for the family.
You can lead your child to this level of recovery. You can't do it for
him or her. One of the greatest benefits of NARanon is to realize that
you can't control your child but you can parent. The need for control
is strong in most human beings, especially when things are so out of
control. This does not mean that you have to be out of control. Learn
what you can control and what you can't.
Twelve-step meetings help us to cope with the powerlessness when we
see relapse or seeming failure. Watch that you don't act out on this
anger, disappointment or feelings that you have failed. Remember that
recovery is a process and takes time. The key is to be strong parents
and enforce those three clear and simple rules (always go back to this
model) when behavior returns to drug behavior. Avoid the position that
you have to do instruct, nag, preach, become preoccupied, be right or
have the last word. Target only three behaviors (rules) and enforce
these all the way. Let the other issues go unless they are life threatening.
Remember that dramatics are part of the family dynamic. Try to minimize
this. That mind set is too controlling. This takes a team effort. Strengthen
your team.
However, you can do it with him or her. This means going to your twelve-step
meetings and leading the way to higher development, not in the sense
of "fixing" them but to resolve your pain - the disappointment,
anger at the teen and your spouse or other children or in-laws... The
answer lies in family recovery. Be strong and confident enough to
realize the feelings that have accumulated and be committed to heal.
Follow a twelve-step path because it was designed for you for this purpose. Try/commit to the path that has worked for hundreds of thousands.
All of those people can't be wrong. You are your child's role model.
Model common sense and good recovery.
